Monday, May 10, 2010

Lost in Translation: My Visit With a Stranger from IDIOT-JERKVILLE

There’s a lot to be said for regional customs and local traditions. Yet throughout the years, may conflicts have occurred because of language barriers, inaccurate translations and cultural differences. That’s what I believe happened late last week when….ummm. Gosh, I never did get the gentleman’s name. In that case, I’ll objectively refer to him as POOPY-HEAD MORON. His car had IDIOT-JERKVILLE plates, so he wasn’t a local boy. He was a foreign stranger, from a strange land where things are different. See the definition of the word "merge" for example: merge – [murj] verb (used without object) To combine or unite into a single enterprise, organization, body etc;
Example: The two lanes merged into one without incident as all drivers were clearly sane.

Idiot-Jerkville definition: merge – [murj] verb (used however you like) To forge ahead of others at all costs
regardless of circumstances, including risk of bodily harm, etc;
The POOPIE-HEAD MORON from IDIOT-JERKVILLE got so close to me as we merged, the
only thing between our cars was the red light from my break lights…which should
have served as a subtle, yet polite warning instead of the ignition to the
powder keg which was his semi-educated rage.

Of course, if POOPIE was a safe distance from my car, then the quick break light shouldn’t have angered him at all. When we I finally made my right turn, POOPIE-HEAD MORON from IDIOT-JERKVILLE sped by just a little close and very loudly, complete with his girlfriend’s single finger wave. Since this must be their custom, I thought it would be impolite of me not to wave back, so I rolled down the window and gave them a very big wave with fingers on both hands. And then they were gone. I sure will miss POOPIE-HEAD MORON and his perfect gal by his side.

You can imagine my joy when only a short block later, I saw that my new bestest friend, POOPIE-HEAD MORON from IDIOT-JERKVILLE had whipped around the corner at full throttle in order to meet me at the next intersection and take his rightful place behind my car. They must’ve missed me as much as I missed them! Now this time they were a bit closer then before, so I lit my break lights just a tad longer, and with a bit of an unpredictable rhythm. This is where I discovered our language barrier was worse than I thought. Seems POOPIE and his number one squeeze were not enjoying this new and improved light show at all. No they sure weren’t. So I again waved to them in an attempt to calm them down, and shouted some more words of encouragement. I even used a few of the four letter words they’d been sharing from their primitive dialect…but to no avail. That’s when I decided that it was time. Yup, the perfect time to make “First Contact” with my strangers from IDIOT-JERKVILLE. Wondering how history would remember this moment, I pulled over to the side of the road and let them come to me. That’s what you do. You put your hand out and let them sniff around a bit, as not to scare them. It didn’t work. It seems we just didn’t speak the same language. POOPIE seemed to not even hear my claim of “not wanting to die because he was in a hurry”. POOPIE-HEAD then got out of his car and even invited me out of mine. I thanked him, but explained that although I was flattered by his tempting offer, picking up my son seemed a bit more appropriate then dancing with him in front of a day care center. I did however invite him to get back into his own car and drive away. I even offered him a police escort to sweeten the deal. Any-who, that was the end of that. POOPIE and his most bestest super well spoken gal pal sped off into the afternoon. It’s a shame real. Another wasted opportunity, with our two cultures coming together, yet learning so little about each other. Well, except that POOPIE HEAD-HEAD MORONS from IDIOT-JERKVILLE are very, very dangerous drivers.

Gosh, I sure hope nothing happens to him next time he drives into a strange land…you know, like a tree. As a society, we would be robbed of the wealth of knowledge that POOPIE has to offer…and that would be a real loss for both of our cultures.


  1. Sorry to hear that,wade. the same happened to me, the person was very aggressive and even decided to jump in front of me and make things worse by suddenly stopping his/her car and wouldn't let me drive, if i switched to the right lane, s/he would do the same and wouldn't let me drive at all by completely stopping all the time! where in the world are police officers at times like these? it happened on a highway on a very crowded road, you would think some cop would pop out from somewhere and stop that aggressive driver because i honestly was fearing for my life. hope this never happens to nobody.

  2. Did you know that if you put your hazard lights on so that they have time to blink once, it makes the person behind you think that you are breaking? Therefore you get the advantage of them slowing down with less risk to you!

  3. I often wave to those in situations like this, but occasionally forget to use all 5 fingers. ~Dawn~

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