My back. My right.

Now that a day has passed and I've had time to reflect, I must admit that I was remiss by not thanking Newman. Newman is one of my favorite co-workers, and it's not just because of his generous back massages, or the endearing way he mispronounces the syllable "un". He's a doer. He makes things happen, like finding back scratchers. That's why I agree with part of what he said here.

I absolutely owe him a debt of gratitude in saving my itchy back. I must defend myself though, and all back scratchers from around the world. It's not easy to live with dry skin. So when a local bank was handing out back scratchers in their courtesy bags at last year's Freedom Festival, by golly I was happy to take them up on their generous offer.

My back.

My right to scratch.

Perhaps not...

Okay, so there was no thief. Yup, the back scratcher was hiding next to the printer in the promotions office. However. There are lots of shady types in this office. One in particular. Let's call her...."Roni Tyan". Roni seems to think that my utensil was hidden in the PST studio. Clearly she is mistaken. My scatcher could not be more different than the one she claims is mine. "Alarmist"? I think not Ms. Tyan.

A Thief Amongst Us

Seriously disturbing. That's the only words to describe this morning's events.

My back scratcher is missing.

For over a year, it's been in my studio in the exact same place. Right next to the keyboard I'm typing on right now.

What fiend would steal another man's relief? What deviant would want to be in possession of my DNA?

To the person who committed this travesty...know that this transgression will not go unpunished. Also know that I've used that back scratcher to scratch many things.

The least of which is my back.

So enjoy all that.

Dancing with the what, now?

Sigh. Okay, this semi-annual argument is kind of like shooting fish in a barrel, but here it goes again. Did you ever read the 'stupid news' section of the newspaper? It's where they put unimportant, trivial, ridiculous pieces that make absolutely no sense. That's where they should have released the latest "Dancing With the Stars" lineup. Once again, the word "star" is cheapened more and more to the point that any weight or importance it once carried, is gone.

Here's the list:

Audrina Patridge – "The Hills Hottie"Brandy – "R&B's Platinum Girl"Bristol Palin – "Alaska's Most Famous Daughter"David Hasselhoff – "The Hoff"Florence Henderson – "America's Mom"Jennifer Grey – "The Original Dirty Dancer"Kurt Warner – "The Superbowl Success Story"Kyle Massey – "Disney Channel Dynamo"Margaret Cho – "Comedy's Most Outrageous"Michael Bolton – "The Balladeer" Mike Sorrentino – "The Situation"Rick Fox – "Basketball's Foxiest Champion"

Well...I've never seen "The Hills". Never will, but am positive she's not a "star". Florence Henderson, granted does have Wessonality, but is now amusing for different reasons than she used to be. The Hoff is a punchline in any country not named Germany (although his roast on Comedy Central was friggin' hilarious!). Gun in my mouth I couldn't tell you who Kyle Massey or Rick Fox are. Margaret Cho, Brandy and Michael Bolton...peripheral at best.

And then there's the biggest travesty of the season that makes Kate Gosselin seem as big of a star as Julia Roberts. Bristol Palin. Single mother. Daughter of a politician (not even politician). Teenager. Yup, all of these things, but how could you ever even remotely put her name and the word STAR on the same stupid show promo?

Allow me to demonstrate.
Here's Bristol (holds up hand).
Now here's a "star". (jumps out of window, gets into car and drives across country, holds up hand again).

I'm more willing to buy that it actually wasn't Paris Hilton's coke, then a bogus claim that Bristol Palin is a "star".

So now we've established that there are in fact NO stars on this season. But now it's time to answer the semi-annual question of "who is the CLOSEST thing to a star"? Well, J-Grey has the most movie success, though not in like 20 years, back when she unnecessarily fixed her nose. Athletes don't count. Which leaves us TV.

And the biggest star (tongue placed firmly in cheek) right now is...(drum roll)

THE SITUATION!

GTL baby. All the way to that stupid mirror ball thingy.

Naps at work?

Lots of companies including Google (shocking) have recently begun implementing naps into their workday routines. Yeah, "naps". Don't think George from "Seinfeld" hiding under his desk with a pillow and alarm clock. These are high tech sleeping pods, specially set up by your employer. 20 minutes in the tank and you'll be refreshed and ready to attack your chores once again, presumably to save your boss money since now you'll be working instead of slouching and wishing you could take a nap. Sure, certain jobs would be difficult. I'm fairly certain my boss wouldn't let me walk out of the studio for 20 minutes. That's why we just nap in the studio. Restaurant and hospital workers, forget about it...probably doesn't apply to rescue workers or law enforcement either. But in the office environment, this could take off. Think about it. No more putting your head down. Just grab your blankey and head off to a snooze pod. Some companies are outsourcing the nap. You can take a break, but it would cost you $15 for a 20 minute snooze in the nap tank. So if allowed, would you pay $15 for not only a 20 minute break at work, but a sanctioned, uninterrupted, full out sleep? What do you think?

LOST...but not forgotten

(Check out PST On Demand to hear Newman, Dave and I discuss our thoughts about the series finale at length).

Face it. We're never going to see...or rather "experience" another show like LOST ever again. It's impossible, because it wouldn't be the first of it's kind. That was part of the reason we loved it so much. Plenty of attempts will be made, to duplicate what happened...(hello, a series named FLASH FORWARD). We'll get vague stories encouraging us to speculate...to captivate us...generate "water cooler" buzz, and fuel internet theorists.

But it won't work. Not like this did.

LOST was not a perfect show...but it was perfectly cast. Can you imagine anyone other than Josh Holloway wisecracking as Sawyer? Could someone else's eyes pierce like Michael Emerson's Ben Linus? The character of Jack wasn't supposed to last very long, until Matthew Fox stepped into it. Hugo, Jin, Sun, Locke...every single character was convincingly fleshed out. From the very first frame of the 2004 pilot....week to week...season to season, we became glued to our televisions, and were treated to a very un-television like experience. Top notch dialogue...gorgeous cinematography...a Hollywood worthy score...LOST, especially those first two seasons was - simply put - as good as television can be. No it wasn't 6 years of consistency, and it certainly didn't zoom out to show us all of the answers we needed...nor did it finish like some of us may have wanted. However what LOST did do, was deliver an amazing vision with scope never before imagined outside a movie theater. The bar has truly been raised.

When LOST premiered, I lived alone on my own...not unhappy but alone. I first started seriously dating my now wife Amy just before the start of Season 3, and I pretty much made her watch Seasons 1 and 2 that summer to catch up. I'm glad I did...because it was a real tough show to watch alone. You needed someone to bounce ideas off of. It was fun, but it was also work. Extraordinarily enjoyable work.

I feel sorry for those who never got on board, but I'm tremendously happy I did. That she did. Here's to LOST...a fitting time to get off an amazing ride.

See you in another life, brotha...:)

Lost in Translation: My Visit With a Stranger from IDIOT-JERKVILLE

There’s a lot to be said for regional customs and local traditions. Yet throughout the years, may conflicts have occurred because of language barriers, inaccurate translations and cultural differences. That’s what I believe happened late last week when….ummm. Gosh, I never did get the gentleman’s name. In that case, I’ll objectively refer to him as POOPY-HEAD MORON. His car had IDIOT-JERKVILLE plates, so he wasn’t a local boy. He was a foreign stranger, from a strange land where things are different. See the definition of the word "merge" for example:

Dictionary.com: merge – [murj] verb (used without object) To combine or unite into a single enterprise, organization, body etc;
Example: The two lanes merged into one without incident as all drivers were clearly sane.

Idiot-Jerkville definition: merge – [murj] verb (used however you like) To forge ahead of others at all costs
regardless of circumstances, including risk of bodily harm, etc;
Example: The POOPIE-HEAD MORON from IDIOT-JERKVILLE got so close to me as we merged, the
only thing between our cars was the red light from my break lights…which should
have served as a subtle, yet polite warning instead of the ignition to the
powder keg which was his semi-educated rage.

Of course, if POOPIE was a safe distance from my car, then the quick break light shouldn’t have angered him at all. When we I finally made my right turn, POOPIE-HEAD MORON from IDIOT-JERKVILLE sped by just a little close and very loudly, complete with his girlfriend’s single finger wave. Since this must be their custom, I thought it would be impolite of me not to wave back, so I rolled down the window and gave them a very big wave with fingers on both hands. And then they were gone. I sure will miss POOPIE-HEAD MORON and his perfect gal by his side.

You can imagine my joy when only a short block later, I saw that my new bestest friend, POOPIE-HEAD MORON from IDIOT-JERKVILLE had whipped around the corner at full throttle in order to meet me at the next intersection and take his rightful place behind my car. They must’ve missed me as much as I missed them! Now this time they were a bit closer then before, so I lit my break lights just a tad longer, and with a bit of an unpredictable rhythm. This is where I discovered our language barrier was worse than I thought. Seems POOPIE and his number one squeeze were not enjoying this new and improved light show at all. No they sure weren’t. So I again waved to them in an attempt to calm them down, and shouted some more words of encouragement. I even used a few of the four letter words they’d been sharing from their primitive dialect…but to no avail. That’s when I decided that it was time. Yup, the perfect time to make “First Contact” with my strangers from IDIOT-JERKVILLE. Wondering how history would remember this moment, I pulled over to the side of the road and let them come to me. That’s what you do. You put your hand out and let them sniff around a bit, as not to scare them. It didn’t work. It seems we just didn’t speak the same language. POOPIE seemed to not even hear my claim of “not wanting to die because he was in a hurry”. POOPIE-HEAD then got out of his car and even invited me out of mine. I thanked him, but explained that although I was flattered by his tempting offer, picking up my son seemed a bit more appropriate then dancing with him in front of a day care center. I did however invite him to get back into his own car and drive away. I even offered him a police escort to sweeten the deal. Any-who, that was the end of that. POOPIE and his most bestest super well spoken gal pal sped off into the afternoon. It’s a shame real. Another wasted opportunity, with our two cultures coming together, yet learning so little about each other. Well, except that POOPIE HEAD-HEAD MORONS from IDIOT-JERKVILLE are very, very dangerous drivers.

Gosh, I sure hope nothing happens to him next time he drives into a strange land…you know, like a tree. As a society, we would be robbed of the wealth of knowledge that POOPIE has to offer…and that would be a real loss for both of our cultures.

OPEN LETTER TO KATE GOSSELIN

Dear Kate:

This may be hard to swallow, so please take a breathe. Perhaps take a seat and prepare yourself for a steamy, hot mug of reality. Kate, despite what the empty heads at ABC may claim, wish or would have you think...you are in fact, not a star.
I know, it's a tough one to swallow. I mean, for several years, you and your ex-husband allowed cameras into your home for a silly, yet enjoyable show who's time is passed. But I need to point out an often overlooked equation I'm sure you missed.

"Reality" tv does not = STAR.

Some fun facts. You have NEVER been on a real television show. You have NEVER been on a film set. In fact, you have NEVER read scripted lines. You have NEVER performed music professionally. Your claim to fame is biological. Your eggs hatched 8 babies.

I realize you're busy with your fake fame, so thank you for taking the time to read.

Love,
Wade...and a whole lot of other people.

LOST WITHOUT CLUES?

I have been a fan of LOST since season 1 (okay season 2, but I caught up by watching season one on dvd in a weekend marathon). For about the last 3 years or so, fellow LOST fans have started to get under by skin because of a weekly criticism that's starting to sound like a broken record (kids check out wikipedia for that reference under "vinyl".

Every Thursday (this year Wednesday) morning we get a replay of these 4 words..."It didn't answer anything!". Okay, yes it's often that we don't get "answers", but isn't that part of the fun? Check that, isn't that ALL of the fun? How would you like to watch an episode of CSI where the killer is revealed in the first few scenes? Replays of baseball games aren't the same when it's the fifth inning and you already know who won. Big picture. Patience. This show had huge ratings that have dwindled over the years and I know why. For one, some people just can't keep up with the complicated plot (that was a polite way of saying something else). Secondly, nobody has any patience. There hasn't been a show in our lifetime that's captivated it's audience and dominated water cooler talk the way LOST has. If you're a fan, it's not likely we're going to go through something this fun for a long time, if ever.

So why would you want to know everything before the end? I'm not sure it's possible to get 6 years worth of answers for everything in the remaining 10 plus episodes, nor a series finale that can please everyone. I for one am willing to reserve judgement until we've seen everything there is to see. Yes it can be a little frustrating at times, so I suggest doing what I do...relax and enjoy the ride.

What do you think?

I SEE BLUE PEOPLE!

Every few years a movie comes out that I REALLY want to see. Avatar was this year's candidate and it delivered. The basic story was good. Not great, not anything you haven't seen before in one form or another. The real star is them there cozy 3D glasses and all the 3D goodness it brings with it. Being forced to sit in the first 5 rows (20 minutes early turns out wasn't nearly early enough), actually ended up being a good thing, as we were even more immersed into the world of Pandora. People are saying how the story didn't matter, however this whole 3D experience wouldn't have worked at all with a BAD story. Avatar was far from a bad story. Okay, so if you're idea of escaping to the movies is "Hope Floats", this may not be your ideal way to spend 2 hours and 40 minutes. For me though, the movie theater was made for adventures like this. If I'm going to the movies, I'd prefer to end up somewhere REAL far away. As a whole, the entire experience was something amazingly new and I completely recommend it. Avatar is something you need to experience for the first time with the 3D and preferably IMAX. Do not wait for the dvd.

IT BEGINS TONIGHT! (OR ENDS)

It's official...and tonight we're all set for the last season of American Idol with Simon Cowell...and the first without Paula. I'm wondering if FOX is going to make a big deal of that fact right off the bat. They could let it sit for now...make a splash when Ellen comes on board on Hollywood...then really pump it up in May for the last month with Simon. We'll find out. I'm psyched. I definitely enjoy watching Idol, just maybe not the entirely too many hours spend doing so...particularly early on.
Without question "TIVO-time" is the best way (or the only way) to watch. You don't have to necessarily record it either...just let the show start without you.
About 30-45 minutes should do it. During that time you could clean the bathroom. Walk the dog. Or stare at the tv while it's off. That's up to you. Then you back up the dvr and begin watching...never again hostage to the boring backstory for the guy you KNOW isn't going through..(because they shoot it outside the studio, not at their house). Eventually you will catch up to "LIVE TV" and that's a very depressing moment, but you'll get over it soon. I find that women prefer more of that stuff though, where guys just need the performance. What do you think?

WILL YOU WATCH IDOL IF...

We're less then one week away from a brand new season of AMERICAN IDOL! So, for the first few weeks at least, get out the chains and chackles, and get ready to be taken hostage by the annual mix of auditions. Resolve your Tivo conflicts, because if you're like me, you can plow through the typical 2 hour in about 40 minutes.

Different though this season. No Paula. Will that affect how fast you become a regular viewer this season? I actually think I'll be compelled to watch quicker this season. I liked Paula, not a hater. She was obviously a lot more forgiving then the other judges. She did give hope to the contestants though, and that may be missed. She was the "nicest", without question. That I will miss. The dancing while one of her favorites were performing, I will not miss.

Remember though, Ellen won't be on board for a while. She wasn't signed til after the auditions, so there will be an empty 4th seat for a while.

Next year, rumor is that there could be no Simon. That is a game changer. To be honest, I'm not entirely sure I will be such a faithful watcher if that's the case. Opinions?

A VERY IMPORTANT DAY TO ME

Today is an important day to me. Directly, it has nothing to do with me, but indirectly it has changed me forever.
Today is my wife Amy's birthday.
If she were never born, I wouldn't be who I am today.
She wouldn't have been there to help me through my life's worst memories.
Or to help in creating my life's happiest ones.
She wouldn't have been there to walk down the aisle with me.
Or to give life to my son Jake.
Worst of all for me, I may have settled for someone inferior to her in every way.
Happy Birthday Amy! I guess your birthday is important to me...directly.

TIME TO GO SHOPPIN'

My wife and her sister decided this past Saturday was the perfect day to go on a 7 hour shopping marathon. It would've been. Except that there was a blizzard. With 3 shopping days to go, I'll be venturing to the malls today to begin my annual rite of passage, "Holiday Shopping the Week of Christmas". To be honest though, I actually like waiting to almost the last minute. There's a lot more holiday spirit in the air then say, August...when a certain PST Wake-UP Crew co-host is essentially done her shopping. Yup. Nothing like wrapping up a set of wine glasses by the pool. To be honest, I've already ordered a few gifts online, so technically today won't be the start...but it will be my first physical venture into the mob. Deck the Halls!
When do you begin your shopping?

WORST SURVIVOR FINALE...EVER

Spoiler alert.

Okay, Natalie walks away with 7 votes to Russel's 2. Russel arguably played the game as good as, or better than any Survivor contestant to date. Sure he was an egotistical jerk at times, but he backed it. Found 2 immunity idols without a single clue and pulled the strings for the entire 39 days.

Natalie sat there and did what Russel told her to.

How does that warrant $1million? Hurt feelings or not, the jury needs to separate the game from real life, and their hurt feelings. Grow up and vote accordingly. They didn't this time. Maybe when Russel returns for the next All Star edition, they will.

What do you think?

MOTHER NATURE WINS

Today I am a defeated man. No, not because I'll most likely be in the hospital with a hernia or pierced spleen after shoveling snow this weekend. I would welcome that instead of the shame I wear today...wear in the form of...a coat.

Yes. Coat.

For you see, until this morning I was firmly engaged in my annual battle with ...you know, what's her name. Right around late October or early November, I usually lose the first round of our epic war. I surrender to the elements, and sadly pack up my shorts for the winter. However, coats at this point are still unthinkable.

Sure, there may be a day here and there that a light something or other is necessary. But once the "coat" comes out, that means it won't go back until the following spring. The final nail is in the coffin of FALL. Curse you Mother Nature! You've already killed Summer, isn't that enough!

Kahhhhhhnnnnn!!!!

I man, "Mother Nature!!!!"

Heat Miser, we need you now more then ever, my friend.

JERSEY IDIOTS

Have you seen it, have you seen it? The latest non-music sensation to ooze from that journalistic icon we know as MTV...Music Television. "Jersey Shore". The show follows 4 Guidos (their term, not mine) and 4 Guidettes (also their term) as they're paired up in a Jersey Shore apartment. In return, the empty heads (my term, not theirs)have to slave away at a t-shirt store on the boardwalk, all while they dodge life's many obstacles...i.e. throwing up, cheating on your boyfriend and getting into bar fights while out with our friends. During the episode I saw, they failed at all three. Who doessn't love it when a girl promisses her boyfriend she won't cheat while away from home, and does it on the (wait for it)...very first night! Look, is it crap tv? Absolutely. Is it entertaining? Yes. This reality trash is better then the other reality trash, because we go into it knowing the only possible outcome is for these sex craved morons to come off looking like the one dimensional idiots they are. I love it! Who doesn't feel a little nostalgic for the time when the most important thing on your mind was whether you might ever get a little action? I think many of us used to be just a little like them when I we were 15. Even though their not. They range from 21 to 27 (The Situation). Brainless fun. Break out the beer funnel and let's watch.

OMG, MOVIES ON THE WEATHER CHANNEL?

I was laying in bed the other night wondering what the weather would be like the next day. Since I'm not getting up to go online, the obvious choice was to put on The Weather Channel. This did not sound like a difficult challenge, finding the weather forcast. I've accomplished that goal many times before, and was completely confident I would be back to watching Family Guy within minutes. Only problem was that on this particular evening, The Weather Channel was not providing their regular service, they were instead showing the 1990 Stephen King movie "Misery". I would have double checked to make sure I was on the right channel, but there in the lower right corner was the familiar Weather Channel logo. Hmmm. Must be just a clip or something, so let's check the guide. Nope. They're showing the entire movie. My first question was a simple one.

Why?

Why would a channel that is known for only weather, completely change who they are for 107 minutes. Don't get me wrong, I love this movie. That's why I have it on dvd. When I want to watch it, I put it in the dvd player. I don't sit in bed with my fingers crossed hoping it's going to randomly pop up on The Weather Channel. Just like I don't hope "Shindler's List" is going to surprise me on Food Network.

And why "Misery"? Because Paul Sheldon shouldn't have been driving in the SNOW that day. If you have to show a movie, wouldn't "Twister" be a more appropriate pick? "The Day After Tomorrow" maybe? Better yet just don't.

This is not a new trend. In recent months I've come across "Flubber" (not a cartoon) on Cartoon Network, "Extreme Makeover" (not classic tv) on TV Land, The National Lampoon Vacation movies on Travel Channel (??), and original Star Wars trilogy on MTV. I will avoid the tired line of MTV not playing videos, but there is nothing they can do to convince me to watch a two hour movie in a three and a half hour time slot.

Seriously. Three and a half hours.

I think I speak for most when I say...enough. TLC, MTV, TWC, leave movies to the movie channels. Stop trying to be something you're not and just do what you do. The people have spoken.

ONE YEAR OF FUN

Hard to believe, today is our son Jake's 1 year birthday! It seems like only yesterday Amy and I were in the hopspital preparing for the un-preparable:) In case you missed it, here's a recap of his first year! We had a birthday party for him and this is the video birthday card I put together:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zoLc5LGTtk0

YOU BETTER STAY HERE: THE ADVENTURES OF JERK CAR. FROM THE FILES OF PST POLICE SQUAD

Life throws curveballs all the time, so once in a while it's nice to avoid one. This weekend my wife and I JUST MISSED a car that pulled out, attempting to make a right on red. The car immediately in front of us was not as lucky, and was forced to veer to the right, clipping another vehicle. Jerk-car was a young woman a young man I assume was her teen son. After I was done blaring my horn for about 20 seconds and had come to a complete stop, she finally decided to complete her illegal right turn slowing directly to my left, held there by the rush of cars that had poured into a single lane. Her window was down. So was mine. I kept my message brief and to the point.

"You better stay here".
She did not.

The two cars involved were very happy that Amy's eagle eyes had enabled her to jot down the license plate number of jerk-car. We couldn't stay at the scene because we had our baby Jake with us, but gave everyone our information and assured them it was neither's fault. This morning I got a call from the officer involved to fill in some blanks and help what I could. Later this week, jerk-car will get a call from the same officer...maybe even a visit.

From the law.
Case closed.